3. Truce Over Coffee

‘ between them, the coffee cooled like a truce neither wanted to end.’

They say the heart wants what it wants – but they often tend to leave out how quickly it truly wants something. Long before the mind has had time to analyse, question, or rationalize all the potential ‘ifs’ and ‘buts’, the heart has already made its move. It leaps, it aches, it decides – without any second thought, without the mind. And often, we only realise the weight of that decision once our mind finally catches up.

Love, hope, fear and pain – these are not things we as beings intellectually process first. They arrive unannounced, stirring something deep within us. We feel the pull of someone new, the string of a goodbye, or the thrill of possibility; in that moment – no amount of reasoning can restrain what we feel. We act, speak, or fall in ways that logic cannot always justify.

Some may say the heart is reckless, some say its honest – as it doesn’t wait for a perfect plan or a guaranteed outcome. It operates in truth, in instinct, in raw emotion. That’s its beauty – but also its own burning danger. It’s what pushes us to take the risks and open up, even when our minds are screaming warning signs.

But of course, the head eventually catches up, and with a heavy breath finally steps in. It runs the numbers, weighs the consequences and scolds the heart for being too eager. But majority of the time, the mind is too late, and the heart has already changed the course of everything – and what’s done in the name of feeling, can’t always be undone by reason.

This change of course is what most fear – it’s what I feared, it’s what has come true, and it’s what I continue to fear this very day. Although allowing yourself to feel every ounce of emotion is a natural thing, a beautiful one at that, the fear of the aftermath, of the possible destruction it may cause, is what has placed my heart into lockdown and my mind onto a pedestal – some may even view my mind as a tyrant for how much power it holds over my heart. Because even though it’s what keeps me safe, when my heart is offered something pure, something it yearns, no matter what – my mind will always say no and my heart will just accept in silence, no matter how much it aches.

I guess some may argue that with destruction there can arrive peace also, but something within me has altered to not want to go through destruction for the sake of a possibility of peace. I’d rather sit still and wait for it to arrive when its time for it to, so I can feel all its glory in one piece, rather than go through the possible hell just for a possible peace to arrive – yes it arrives, but what at cost?

It is as if after the last leap the heart took, the heart and mind sat across from each other in a quiet café, both nursing to their scars, two coffee mugs between them with steam curling upward and fading into the still air. They sat in a weary discussion, the mind pointing out how the heart always leapt like a flame towards any slight flicker, leaving the brain behind to gather the ashes. And for once the heart decided to listen, not to defend or argue – but to understand, as it stared down into the coffee, stirring without drinking, the mind, measured and calm, laid out its reasoning like a blueprint, showing how logic could protect them both from the wreckage of impulse. Silence stretched between them, the heart finally began to see the wisdom in restraint, in thinking before feeling too deeply. As the air filled with the heavy weight of lessons the heart had always been too eager to learn, the heart nodded in a quiet understanding, reaching for the coffee in a rare moment of stillness – the mind let out a bittersweet sigh, a mix of relief for the weight lifted but also resignation because it had noticed between them, the coffee had grown cold, as if it was symbolism for it being too late, or perhaps it grew cold like a truce neither wanted to end, but it was a quiet reminder that even peace takes time and with that – neither one took a sip and left behind their truce to steep in a cup, forever to remain untouched.

I sometimes wonder if the reason for why I can’t seem to maintain relationships or friendships well, or for why I view things so harshly and raw is because of the decision of allowing my mind to be in control. As some people balance the heart and mind, only allowing one or the other out when it’s called for, I chose to only allow my mind to have the privilege to that freedom of stepping out in the open, I don’t really have a clear understanding as to why – all I know is that I fear the past from reoccurring, or that I fear others being hurt from my own actions – but that’s the funny thing, in the process of allowing my mind to take control with the aims of protecting myself and others, I end up hurting myself and others anyways – I wonder if my heart finds it comedic or is at utter distraught at the fact the sole reason its caged up is so it doesn’t have to be faced with pain, yet it is happening anyways, only difference is the pain I face isn’t something I feel or show emotionally, I feel it mentally – it shows in the way I think, in the way I write, in the way I perceive – you wont see me crying but you’ll see me view or word something a certain way, not because I’m hard headed, but because I’m emotionally incapable to allow myself to feel, at least out in the open anyways,  so I express my emotion via my thoughts, my words.

It’s sort of sadistic to say, but I prefer it this way, it offers me a reassurance knowing that my mind wont have to run after my heart and scold it and yell ‘ I told you so’ – I prefer my mind making me aware and alert from the beginning ; not having to have my heart ignore it and continue, to then later return back being hurt – I prefer my mind expecting to be disappointed before anything has even happened rather than waiting for it to come out of nowhere, unprepared. Unfortunately, the price I must pay for this is that I appear unaffected by things that should clearly have an effect, which they do, I just don’t allow myself to physically and emotionally show it – only mentally – my mind just transforms emotions into intellect, my mind is the tyrant remember. But people don’t get that, they see it as cold hearted, someone who doesn’t care – but I don’t blame them when they view me like this, when you become someone who is surviving rather than living, someone who doesn’t allow their heart that sort of freedom, it’s expected to be viewed as heartless.

However, as much as I find those who set their hearts out to be free to make every decision as foolish, I will admit, there will always be a silent admiration for those individuals. Because there is something profoundly human about this imbalance. It’s what allows us to love people we shouldn’t, chase dreams that seem out of reach and hold onto hope in hopeless moments, The heart may not always be right, but it’s often what makes life worth living.

Acting from the heart can lead to heartbreak, disappointment, or regret – but it also leads to our most meaningful experiences – the moments we remember long after logic has faded. Those impulsive choices, those emotional leaps, they shape who we become.

As often as I value control and caution, I do believe there’s courage in being led by feeling. Theres quiet a bravery in trusting your heart to guide you, even when the path is unclear, my heart, under its chains and locks, envies yet yearns for this kind of bravery – because while the mind might keep you safe, the heart is what keeps you alive, and sometimes I do question if me shutting off my heart emotionally is the sole answer to all my ‘whys’ – if the past made me shut off my heart, then maybe I am the way I am because of that reason too.

Maybe the mind is there not to restrain the heart, but to help it find its way home – when will I allow that to happen? I don’t know. Instead I never go near a cup of coffee again.