‘ If god wills it, then I will welcome love with open arms, but until then I leave it in his hands, I will not chase it – as I owe it to myself to be much bigger than this life.’
As a teenager, even as adults – we are infatuated with the concept of soulmates, whether its via our favourite movies, the bestselling novel or when we are casually scrolling through social media. We grow to believe everyone had someone they were romantically destined to be with, that one day you’ll meet someone and everything just fits perfectly. But, as much as this is a possibility and most definitely occurred for most, I’ve also grown to believe that some peoples Naseeb (fate) is to not have a soulmate at all, or even to just spend their lifetime alone.
Now before this is deemed as depressing, the reaction I always get, let me break it down.
The thought of sharing my life in a partnership, sounds exhausting. I don’t want to share my life with anyone because, truthfully, I feel complete on my own. That doesn’t mean I’m closed off to romantic love, but it’s not a priority, and certainly not the most important kind of love in my life.
I came to this realization as I got older and more aware of how the patriarchal systems in place constantly push the idea that women aren’t whole without romantic love, now even more so the idea of love being forced upon men too. The narrative is everywhere, woven into the way we’re raised, the media we consume, and the expectations placed on us.
I’ve witnessed so many people my age already married, whether its mutuals, my friends or even cousins – and every time my heart sinks in disappointment. Now this doesn’t mean I am not happy for them, of course I am, but it’s more so the idea that they could’ve waited – I am not against people falling in love, when it happens and its truly genuine – it’s the most beautiful thing. I say I am disappointed because a part of me grieves the ‘could haves’ and the ‘what ifs’ for them. That they had a whole life ahead of them to explore. Does this go to say that I feel as thought marriage can limit one’s abilities to fulfil their potential, yes. Is this in every case? No. of course not – some people find the one who assists them in reaching their potential, but I believe there are always limitations and most definitely – always sacrifices, that’s the price for love.
Another reason is that most people go into love and marriage thinking it’s something simple and easy – something aesthetic. They don’t truly understand how far from simple it really is. That love isn’t around the clock how it is in our favourite movies and books. Love is messy – loving someone is loving them for their roots, not for the petals they bare – because once the seasons change and those exact petals start to wither, what will you do then?
This is another reason for why I do not view it as a priority in my life – I am not the woman I want to be, nor the woman who is ready to commit themselves fully to a partnership, not in terms of lack of loyalty, but in terms of vulnerability. Love requires you to be vulnerable and raw, to have emotional maturity, to be able to take criticism as advice rather than an attack, to not be distant and non-communitive when something goes wrong and it requires you to sacrifice.
As many attempts and lectures I’ve received from people (my mother being the number 1) trying to convince me that a partnership doesn’t bare sacrifices, I will forever disagree.
‘The right person won’t make you give up so and so’ – they might not, but naturally through time you will give it up yourself. ‘I can still be independent’ – to an extent, you will never experience the same independency you have when you are alone. Love also requires you to set aside your ego, to accept you are wrong in certain moments.
And I am not even speaking in terms of a toxic relationship or a controlling partner; I am also speaking in terms of genuine love. With true love, there will be things you want to fulfil for your partner, time you want to give to them – simply to show your love and commitment to them, and naturally this will almost always lead to you sacrificing something.
And not to mention, no matter how much it’s denied, we live in a generation where we expect men to take the lead, to work and provide. I mention this because although this is the duty of a man, and it is expected (to an extent), many, not all but most, women will sacrifice not only their jobs, but their education – especially when they choose to marry young. And again, this doesn’t go to say its all cases where their partner tells them to make that sacrifice, but in cases where it is WILLINGLY sacrificed, just so they can be at home to give back to their partners – am I against this, no, but I don’t believe these sort of things should be sacrificed so early on in life.
This may paint me as someone who doesn’t believe in love or having a good partner, which is wrong, I believe in both those things – but I do not believe it is a priority, nor do I believe it has to be Naseeb. I’ve also come to the acceptance that in order for me to build and pursue the life I desire for myself, chasing after a soulmate, that may not even exist, becomes an obstacle for my goals. Is it a possibility that all this can be proven wrong, and I will be blessed with an individual who supports me with my goals, of course – everything is in the hands of god – and that’s exactly where I leave love – I don’t chase or scavenge for it, I leave it in the hands of god, and when it is my time, he will bring it forward TO me.
But as of now – I don’t want to share all of my experiences with a spouse; to be blunt, I think they would hold me back. And I don’t mean that in a cruel way, but I truly don’t believe you can experience the full depth of certain moments when they’re filtered through the presence of another person. These moments—these experiences—are what shape your life. And that’s the thing with marrying young; you don’t truly get to experience what it means to be independent, to experience something built solely from your own self.
I want a life that’s mine. A life that doesn’t apologize for being messy, for being too loud, too quiet, too small, too large, too human. I want a life that isn’t borrowed from someone else’s story, isn’t borrowed from their victories, their rules, their timelines. I owe it to myself to exist fully in a world that constantly tells me to shrink – I owe myself noise that is not invasive, that vibrates through my veins and reminds me that I am alive, that my heart is still stubbornly beating, still defying the chaos.
As I move through my life, I don’t crave the presence of a significant other. When I was younger, I did, because at that age, being surrounded by peers at school and absorbing the world’s messaging about relationships, it felt like the most important thing. But now, I cherish slow mornings, when I actually wake up, with my tea and my favourite music. I treasure quality time with my friends more than ever, and the kind of love needed to be given to yourself to truly feel alive, especially after stepping back and reflecting on the kinds of love that truly serve me. I treasure the silence, because I’ve grown to be comfortable with it.
Knowing that my life is mine—and only mine—makes me excited to grow older. I can’t wait to see where my career takes me, where I travel next, what my future apartments will look like, and which passion projects I’ll pour myself into. There’s so much I want to do, and I know I’ll do it—because nothing, and no one, is holding me back – I owe it to myself to be much bigger than this life.
The Inner Lens 
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