9. Let them wander

Your reputation is built through consistent action over time, not through desperate attempts to manage every interpretation of your character – It is not your job to make sure everyone’s perception of you is accurate.

We all carry a heavy load in the quiet, unseen corners of our hearts, we are familiar with it as the weight of how we are seen by others. How we are perceived, defined, and boxed in by the label’s others attach to us. And often, too often, we make the mistake of believing that how others see us is how we are. But the truth is, perception is a fragile, fleeting thing. It shifts with every passing moment, every passing thought. Perception of something is not permanent – It’s not grounded in our essence, our truth. It’s grounded in how the observer chooses to see, or fails to see, us.

There is a particular kind of sadness in being misunderstood, a sadness that cuts so deep because it feels like it challenges the very core of who we are. It’s painful when the ones who are supposed to know us best, our family, our friends, the ones we’ve shared the most intimate moments with, misread us, judge us, or, even worse, hold us to expectations that were never ours to begin with. They might look at us and see who they want to see, not who we truly are. They might see the mistakes we’ve made, the missteps we’ve taken, the parts of us we’ve outgrown, and mistakenly decide that this is who we will always be.

We operate under a comforting fiction that if we just work hard enough, explain ourselves clearly enough, or plan meticulously enough, we can shape our reality exactly as we want it. This belief drives us to over function, over explain, and over worry. We rehearse conversations that may never happen. We structure elaborate defences against misunderstandings. We treat every setback as a problem to be solved rather than a reality to be acknowledged.

The truth is far simpler and far more liberating. Most of what happens in our lives exists outside our sphere of influence. People will form opinions about us based on their own experiences, wounds, and perspectives, not on our carefully crafted explanations. Circumstances will shift in ways we never anticipated. Days will unfold badly despite our best intentions.

This isn’t pessimism. It’s clarity.

There are things that consume more energy than the need to be understood. When someone misreads our intentions or misconstrues our words, something in us is irked. We feel compelled to set the record straight, to make them see the truth, to ensure they know who we really are.

But that urgency only reveals that we’re trying to control someone else’s inner world. We’re insisting that their perception must align with our intention. And in doing so, we give away our peace to anyone willing to misunderstand us. The people who matter will give you the benefit of the doubt. The people who don’t won’t be convinced by your explanations anyway. Your reputation is built through consistent action over time, not through desperate attempts to manage every interpretation of your character. Being misunderstood is not a crisis. It’s a natural consequence of being human in a complex world where everyone carries different lenses.

So – what do we do with this hurt? How do we carry the weight of being misunderstood, especially by those we love?

The first step, I believe, is to realize something painful yet liberating: you don’t owe anyone your authenticity. Not even the ones you love most. Not even those who have known you your entire life. You don’t owe them the version of yourself they are comfortable with.

The truth is no one can fully understand the complexity of another human being. No matter how much they love you, no matter how much they think they know you, they will never, ever have the full picture. They will see parts of you through the lens of their own life, their own experiences, their own assumptions. They will fill in the gaps with what they think is true, and sometimes, that truth is so far from the real thing, it’s almost laughable.

But here’s the thing: they don’t need to understand you to love you. And you don’t need to be understood to live in your truth. And it is also not your job to make sure everyone’s perception of you is accurate.

Let them be wrong about you. Let them misunderstand your choices, your silence, your decisions. Let them mistake your independence for arrogance, your strength for coldness, your need for space for rejection. Let them label you with the words that fit their expectations. Let them be wrong. Because, in their misunderstanding, there is a deep freedom for you.

The most freeing thing you can do is to stop trying to prove yourself to anyone. Stop waiting for their approval, their validation, their understanding. Live fully in the person you are becoming, even when they can’t see the evolution. Live your truth even when it makes them uncomfortable, even when they challenge you, even when they want to pull you back into the small box they’ve created for you.

I’ve often thought about how painful it is when the people who are supposed to be your biggest supporters, the ones who’ve watched you grow, don’t understand the reasons behind your decisions. They see you changing, and their instinct is to hold on to the person you were before. But you have to change. Growth means leaving behind the person you were and stepping into the person you are becoming. And sometimes, people who love you can’t let go of the version of you they feel comfortable with.

The hardest part is not letting their misconceptions break you. It’s not allowing their judgments to shape your identity. It’s allowing them to be wrong, and still, remaining unapologetically who you are.

Let them be wrong about your decisions. Let them be wrong about your relationships. Let them be wrong about your career, your dreams, your fears, and the way you navigate the world. Their judgment will never define you unless you give it the power to. The weight of their wrongness is theirs to carry, not yours.

We spend so much of our lives trying to get others to see us the way we see ourselves. We want them to understand the reasons behind our choices, the deep, personal motivations that drive us. But in the process, we lose sight of something essential: our worth is not bound by their understanding. Your worth is something intrinsic, something that can’t be captured by their limited view of you. It’s something deeper, something richer. And while you might long for them to understand, the truth is, their understanding isn’t what makes you valid.

This doesn’t mean you shut yourself off from the people you love. This doesn’t mean you stop sharing, stop explaining, stop striving for connection. It simply means that you have to give yourself permission to be misunderstood. You have to allow others to hold opinions about you that are not rooted in the full reality of who you are. Because at the end of the day, their opinions are just that, opinions. And while their love and care matter, their ability to grasp every nuance of who you are does not.

This might be the most painful lesson you’ll ever learn, but it’s also the most freeing: you can still be loved, still be accepted, and still be enough, even when others get it wrong.

There will be moments when those who love you most will misinterpret your silence, misread your intentions, or question your choices. And in those moments, it’s important to remember that their wrongness doesn’t invalidate you. Their inability to see you as you truly are doesn’t diminish your worth. It only reveals their limitations, not yours.

You’ve tried handing them a map of who you are — every path carefully drawn, every detour explained, as if clarity could guarantee understanding. You wanted this map to be easy to read, to spare them the effort of getting lost. But people rarely follow the directions you give them, that’s the thing about giving people a map, most won’t read it. They’ll glance once, fold it the wrong way, and still wander off in their own direction. They take shortcuts through your silences, mistake your stillness for walls, your depth for danger.

 You need to learn to stop drawing these maps for people who only spare a singular glance, to stop drawing paths for people who never intended to walk them carefully. Let them wander instead. If they mistake the forest for a maze, that’s on them. The truth has always been here — steady as the trees, patient as the roots. Some people will circle for years and call it confusion; others will stand still long enough to notice the clearing.

So, let them be wrong. Let them misunderstand you. Let them make judgments from a place of limited perspective. You are not defined by what they think of you. You are not defined by their opinions. You are defined by your truth, your authenticity, your courage to be who you are, regardless of whether they see it or not.

Peace doesn’t arrive when everything goes right. It emerges when you stop requiring everything to go right. It shows up in the quiet moments when someone misunderstands you and you choose not to spiral into explanation.

 Because one day, when they look back, they will see what you’ve always known: that the truest thing about you was never their perception of you, but the quiet, unwavering conviction you held in your own heart. And in the meantime, let them be wrong. Let them think what they will.

Your life is yours to live, no one else’s.